Thursday, January 12, 2012

Reasoning the weblog

Reasoning behind blog name:
Wanting my blog to be centered around a quote, I checked my favorite site, QuoteGardenfor posts on the word "waiting" as somehow, that was the genius (a word, to this day, that I cannot spell... I still remember quite clearly that I wrote my mother a note saying something along the lines of "Do not disturb, genious at work" and posted it on my bedroom door... and yes, I spelled the pivotal word wrong. Obviously not so much, but I was small, and was needing alone time) that came to my mind after a 10 hour day of working (ie: catering coordinator training) at Panera (yeah... panera life! So my next option? Google, of course. First link, no go. Second found me this: It's lengthy, but literally describes pretty much everything I'm thinking about and going through right now... totally completes the thought that I have such a hard time putting together. I'm done with some things (school, college), I have other things (job, car, place to live), and am graced to have yet others (serious boyfriend)...but do I really know what I am doing? Am I really happy with what I'm doing? I keep saying I'm going to "work here for awhile and teach eventually." I always say eventually, or not just yet, or later... what's later? When will my later come? Why am I not doing things now? Why can't I be in my adventure and not just waiting for it to begin....

“I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids. For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin.
And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin.
I love movies about “The Big Moment” – the game or the performance or the wedding day or the record deal, the stories that split time with that key event, and everything is reframed, before it and after it, because it has changed everything. I have always wanted this movie-worthy event, something that will change everything and grab me out of this waiting game into the whirlwind in front of me. I cry and cry at these movies, because I am still waiting for my own big moment. I had visions of life as an adventure, a thing to be celebrated and experienced, but all I was doing was going to work and coming home, and that wasn’t what it looked like in the movies.
John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” For me, life is what was happening while I was busy waiting for my big moment. I was ready for it and believed that the rest of my life would fade into the background, and that my big moment would carry me through life like a lifeboat.
The Big Moment, unfortunately, is an urban myth. Some people have them, in a sense, when they win the Heisman or become the next American Idol. But even that football player or that singer is living a life made up of more than that one moment. Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearl. It takes so much time, and so much work, and those beads and moments are so small, and so much less fabulous and dramatic than the movies.
But this is what I’m finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that move-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets – this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of use will ever experience.”
― Shauna NiequistCold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life

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